“Getting Started.” “Friendship.” “Sex.” “Love.” “Life.” “Work.” “Self.” “Journey’s End.”
This may all sound a little too much like an eight-step self-help plan, with each step bringing you that much closer to realizing the quest of becoming a new you. And, in a sense, that is precisely what is documented in the eight chapters in Norah Vincent’s Self-Made Man: One Woman’s Journey into Manhood and Back Again (Viking Adult, 2006): the process of becoming a new person. Only, in Ms. Vincent’s case, that process involves her living 18 months of her life in drag as a man named Ned.
Vincent’s ambitious undertaking arises from her attempt to understand firsthand what life is like for men and culminates in what is, for the most part, an interesting and engaging book. While the book affirms certain stereotypes about men, Vincent also provides new insight into the complexity of men, explaining both the basis and the implications of these stereotypes. In her investigation of manhood, Vincent comes to realize that behind the popular image of the brash, self-confident, and (of course) heterosexual “manly man,” there exists the Everyman, who is struggling to live up to the masculine mystique both men and women have created.
Entering Manhood
What would it be like to be something other than what I am?
While many of us have pondered this question, it is likely that few have been as proactive as Vincent, who got her first hint of how life might be different for men and women when she decided to walk the streets of New York in drag with a friend one night. After a quick change of clothes and the addition of a brushed-on beard and baseball cap, Vincent ventured into the streets, where she quickly learned that “people accept what you convey to them, if you convey it convincingly enough.”
Apparently, Vincent’s disguise conveyed her manhood convincingly enough, as the men who had once stared brazenly at her now avoided her “manly gaze.” The newfound sense of power that Vincent experienced as a man led her to wonder what kind of insight she might gain into the world of men if she were to present herself as a man, not just for one night, but rather, for an extended period of time. And so the idea to live for 18 months as “Ned” was born. Vincent found that while she herself was constantly aware of her femaleness during that time, men accepted her into their world.
To transform into Ned, Vincent turned, not to surgery, but rather, to a group of friends and teachers who taught her how to look, walk, talk, and act the part of a convincing Ned. In order to attain a stouter, less curvy shape, Vincent flattened her chest with tight sports bras, went to the gym, and added on a few pounds. To make her facial features appear more masculine, she wore glasses and got a box haircut. Finally, to make the look complete, she outfitted Ned with a new wardrobe.
Bowling for Knowledge
Vincent’s integration into the world of men began with her joining a male bowling team, thus affording her the opportunity to understand male camaraderie. To her surprise, Vincent found the men in the bowling league inviting and accommodating from the very beginning. In contrast, the women that she had played with in the past had all been very competitive. Vincent notes that there is a definite competitive aspect among the men, but that they were all supportive of her, the lowest scorer on the team. Vincent’s interpretation is that, unlike women, the men were only interested in competing against equally-matched opponents. Thus, the men did not derive any satisfaction or confidence boost from beating her, the poorest player. Instead, concludes Vincent, the true glory for men comes from beating someone who is considered a worthy rival.
While on the team, Vincent observed the interaction between one of her teammates and his pre-teen son. She saw how the father would ridicule and make fun of his son, and even let other teammates do the same. All the men were trying to make the boy learn to “fend for himself” among men. From this, Vincent concludes that, for boys, part of growing up and maturing into a man requires falling on your face and being put in your place. Indeed, it’s these humiliations that probably make men want to compete and climb up in the male social world to steadily build upon that ever important quality of confidence.
The Power of Women
Vincent’s goal in embarking on her experiment was to learn about the contemporary state of manhood. But in the process, she also learns about women and the influence they can exercise over men. Vincent’s first discovery of the power of women came in the most unlikely of places: the strip club. On the nights she went out with her “fellow men” to a strip club, Vincent noticed that although the men were supposedly in a position of power—ogling women and throwing money at them as they disrobed—they felt oddly dehumanized by the experience as well. Though the men relished in their superior status while inside the club, once outside the club, they were ashamed and worried that “respectable” women would find out about their trips.
Men’s dependence on women to determine their own self-worth carries over into the world of dating too. As Ned, Vincent experienced firsthand the power that women wield. As a woman, Vincent was used to being gauged by men on the basis of her attractiveness relative to other women. But as Ned, she found that she was expected by her female dates to be domineering but accommodating, and strong but sensitive. For failing to live up to the masculine mystique, Ned found himself at the receiving end of multiple rejections.
The Final Straw
Vincent’s adventures as Ned eventually led her to the final testing ground: the modern men’s movement. The movement, which started in 1990 with the goal of reconnecting men to their inner “Wild Man,” offers a space for men to open up and discuss the societal pressures they feel. Here, for the first time, Vincent found herself with a group of men who could, like her, reflect upon and verbalize the modern state of manliness. These men were upfront about the anger and frustration they felt at being born into a system of male detachment and judgment that expects them to fend for themselves. This frustration was perhaps best expressed at a retreat where the men were asked to draw their superhero. A few of the men draw Atlas, the mythological character who bears the burden of the earth on his shoulders. Like Atlas, these men felt the weight of having to live up to the male mystique, a compromising position that left them vulnerable to attack. As one participant put it, “See, Atlas can’t protect himself in that position. Anybody could just walk right up to him and kick him in the balls.”
The insights and personal outcries that Vincent encountered while on the retreat caused her to experience deep pangs of guilt. As she puts it in the book: “How do you reconcile genuine interpersonal connection and potentially valuable insights into human behavior with false pretenses?” It is only after a difficult period of readjusting to life as a woman that Vincent is eventually able to reconnect with her own self. Living as an imposter for so long had inhibited her true self from expressing itself.
During the 18 months that Vincent spent as Ned, she had to constantly be aware of what she was doing and saying, or else risk being looked down upon as less of a man, and having her secret revealed. But just as Ned had to “pass” as a man for 18 months, so it is that actual men have to “pass” as manly enough every day of their lives. Through her experiences, Vincent is able to catch a glimpse of the issues that men grapple with on a daily basis. This begs the question: For how long will men be “men” enough to deal with those pressures?
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